The Beer Scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought, 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you
cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a 'Beer Scooter.' The Beer
Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk
by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of
these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer
Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom
via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion
of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the
second questions after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought
to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries),
such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third
question after a night out, 'What the hell happened?' With good
intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time)
add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in
time regretted most.

Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of
another's and quite often, lost time is regained in discussions over a period of
time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked
from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the
stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get
through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night, regardless of whether or
not said person is a regular smoker or not.
P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt. And
don't even mention the Beer Monkey supplement....who, while you're
asleep, is responsible for messing up your hair, and sh**ting in your mouth!